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Lazy River! Put Some Wild In Your Water
Tribune photo by ROBERT BURKE
The Hillsborough River is scenic, pastoral and serene - not exactly a day at the beach for this young one.
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Published: December 3, 2008
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Dear Hillsborough River,
You're boring. Sorry, nothing personal. I actually think you're pretty neat. I like your lazy brown waters and your ability to increase property values while simultaneously threatening the destruction of any structure built within your flood plain. I love what you did with your east bank. The new landscaping looks fabulous. It has that sort of retro-'50s mangrove-forest-meets-new-wave-cypress-swamp groove going on. And your sulfur springs! Wow! They're still going strong, percolating up from the aquifer to perfume the air with the delicate aroma of rotting eggs. As far as I'm concerned, the Suwannee has nothing on you.
Unfortunately, my daughter doesn't feel the same. She has decided you are "the most boring thing ever," a title previously reserved for church services and room cleaning. She had such high expectations, maybe that was the problem. When we first boarded Lowry Park Zoo's river tour boat she was a bundle of excitement. She paid absolutely no attention to the brief safety lecture ("If the boat sinks get out and walk back to shore, we're only in 4 feet of water") or the warnings not to lean over the rails, throw Cheetos at the birds, smoke near the gas tank or make derogatory remarks about the tour guide's ample girth. Nothing could distract her from the sun sparkling off your dappled surface and your waves gently lapping the dock.
"Let's go!" She urged the man at the wheel. "Let's go, let's go, let's go!" We were definitely off to a good start.
And then your luster began to fade.
"Are there sharks in the water?" she whispered over the guide's narration.
"No sharks."
Her shoulders sagged. "I wanted to see a shark."
"Look, there's a turtle," I said, hoping to distract her from her disappointment.
"Turtles are boring. I can see turtles in the backyard."
You made up ground when we passed under a bridge and had to lower the roof to squeeze under it. But the fact that you stubbornly refused to submerge even a single car and make it "all gross and muddy and stuff" was another missed opportunity. And would it have killed you to display a whirlpool every now and then? I mean, come on. How hard is it to produce a vortex of watery terror? You probably burp those up every night in your sleep.
To your credit, you did manage to toss a manatee our way, but it was way over there and visible only as a vague shape under the surface. "See the manatee?" I asked, holding my daughter up and pointing where the ripples were quickly dispersing.
"No," she said accusingly.
"Me either."
And, yes, we did spot an alligator on a log, but it was small and didn't move, despite my daughter's repeated pleas to "Do something, you lazy bum!" A flick of the tail, a snap of the jaw, a small mammal dragged to its watery grave — any of those would have sufficed. Instead we were treated to five minutes of a black lump meditating under a tree.
Bravo!
That was about the time my daughter decided she was no fan of yours. Any river that couldn't muster a single rapid, waterfall or haunted pirate ship wasn't worth the effort.
"Let's go back to the zoo," she said after giving up on ever seeing an alligator do more than blink. "At least the monkeys throw things."
Please don't take this letter the wrong way. It's meant as constructive criticism. I think you could really increase your fan base if you made a few simple changes. Increase the speed of your currents. Twenty or 25 knots should do it. This slow and steady stuff is a real yawner.
Stop hiding your manatees. Have you thought about putting them in festive hats and Day-Glo vests? It would make them much more visible.
Perk up the gators. Instead of sulfur springs, how about caffeine springs? That should jumpstart those laggards.
Oh, and sharks. Add more sharks.
I'm sure if you followed up on even one of these suggestions your popularity with both preschoolers and suicidal adrenaline junkies would skyrocket.
Best wishes,
Michael Winter
P.S. Your sandbar was showing during our tour. I don't want to embarrass you, but you really should consider a marina slip or something.
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